


How Long Would it Take Me To Be Near if You Beckon, Offhand I Would Figure, Less Than a Second

by shouldbeover



Series: The Blue Moon Set [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Catholic Guilt, Gay Bashing, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Sexism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 04:48:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8651647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shouldbeover/pseuds/shouldbeover
Summary: Steve prays for a sign from God about whether he should be with Bucky.  It comes in a different way than he imagines.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Only Forever - Johnny Burke, James Monaco, 1940 (a little late for the time-period of the show, but too perfect not to use)

If Bucky went mad, Steve went numb. He confessed everything to his priest and received a lighter penance than he thought he deserved, although the priest did tell him that his mother's death was not his fault. He slept-walked through his days, going to work, coming home, nibbling at whatever baked goods were left outside his door by concerned neighbors, often in bed by seven or eight, unable to find a reason to stay awake.  
He would have welcomed one of his many illnesses to distract him, or even take him away, but his body remained obstinately healthy for once, despite his erratic eating and sleeping. Part of him kept waiting and hoping for Bucky to crawl through the window just like old times, but Bucky never did.  
A little over a month after his mother's death he was confronted at work, not by Bucky, but by Bucky's sister Becky, still dressed in her plaid school skirt and white shirt.  
“Steve Rogers,” she challenged, “why are you breaking my brother’s heart?”  
“Wha— I’m not, I didn’t.” Steve stammered. He looked briefly at her face and then down at his shoes. When she was small Steve had loved to come by and read to her and her sisters, or just horse around, but as she grew up, year by year he seemed to be less and less able to speak to her, keeping his eyes averted and stammering. Which was too bad, because if he'd managed to look her in the eye, she would have responded. She'd had a crush on Steve Rogers since she was twelve. Oh, she knew her brother was thought handsome. It was hard for her to see. It's hard to see someone as a leading man when you've seen them staggering into the bathroom at 6 in the morning, bleary-eyed, scratching the stubble on their chin, and yawning. She'd had girls try to be her friend just for a chance to meet Bucky. Bucky looked like Clark Gable, but Becky was always more of a Leslie Howard fan. She liked Steve's delicate features and soft, blonde hair. But he was also nearly three inches shorter than she was, and if he did ask her out they'd probably have to go double dating with Bucky and whoever was on his arm at the time. And that would be mortifying. So despite her soft feelings for Steve Rogers, it was time to be tough.  
“You look at me, Steve Rogers,” then softer, “I am so sorry about your mom. She was really nice. But why are you shutting Bucky out, now of all times? He’s a wreck, and I know he hasn’t been to see you since the funeral. We’re all really worried.”  
Steve mumbled, “I didn’t tell him not to come by.”  
“Yeah? Well, it sure seems like it.”  
“Wha— what’s he doing? What’s he doing different now?”  
“He comes home drunk every night real late. And angry. Shouts at us for no reason until mom and pop sat him down and tried to make him tell them what was wrong. They waited ‘til we were in bed but we all snuck out of bed to listen. Mom was worried that…worried that he mighta’ gotten some girl in trouble, but he laughed at her. He laughed at her! Saying that no dame was gonna’ catch him. It wasn’t some dame. Mom was crying something terrible then.”  
Steve wanted to cry. He wanted to say that it was all his fault that Bucky was acting like this, to say he was sorry for everything he had caused, but he couldn’t. Not without betraying a lot of other things. Bucky was a wreck and Steve had caused it and now he was causing trouble for all of the Barnes’ family who had always been like a second family to him.   
“I’ll talk to him. I promise. He still working down at the docks?”  
“Yeah. You gotta, Steve, because I think he’s hurting. Hurting really bad, and the only person I know who could make him hurt like that is you.”  
Steve finished his shift and walked slowly to the docks. He had no idea what he was going to say, and he had no idea if Bucky would even listen. When he passed a church on the way he went inside, dipped his fingers in the holy water to make the sign of the cross and knelt to pray.  
"Dear God," he thought, "Do you really hate fairies? Is it a sin if two people really love one another. I know the Bible says, but the Bible says a lot of things that we don't do no more. I love him so much, God. I'm out of my mind without him, and I guess it sounds like he's not doing so well, I guess without me. That can't be right, can it? If he's avoiding this sin and then jumping into other? What good is that? And I know I promised if Ma got better then I'd--but she DIDN'T get better, you didn't heal her, and now I'm alone. And I'm so unhappy, Lord," he sniffed, but kept his hands together in supplication,"Please,God, please give me a sign. Let me know if it really is a cardinal sin, or not. 'Cause if it is, if it is...I guess I don't have any choice but to join the priesthood, because I'll never love anyone the way Iove him. Is that what you want me to do? Please help me, please tell me!"  
But, as is usually the case in church, there was no answer.  
He wandered out into the warm evening still unsure as to whether he should go and speak to Bucky or not.   
"Hey, lookit the little fwairy!"  
Steve didn't look up. If you didn't respond sometimes, just sometimes, they might leave you alone. For anyone else Steve would jump in in an instant, but for himself, particularly since it was the truth, he wouldn't start a fight.  
"Come on, fairy, let's go in an alley. We'll show you what we do to fairies in this neighborhood. Then maybe, if you're good, we'll let you suck us off, just to show no hard feelings, right?"  
Steve sighed, "Look guys, just let me go home. I'm not looking for any trouble."  
"Yeah, too busy looking for dick. You like it up the ass, little fairy?"  
"Nah, look at that mouth, he likes 'em to fuck his face."  
And then they were on him, dragging him down into the alley, the first blow taking him to his knees, the second sending him sprawling.   
Steve curled in on himself trying to protect his head and guard his body. This prompted the thugs to start kicking him in the ribs as hard as they could.   
Well, he thought to himself, I wanted a sign and I guess there isn't much clearer sign than being kicked to death in an alley for being queer.  
But then he heard a voice calling from the street, a voice more familiar to him than his own. "Hey, what're you punks doing down there? Leave him be."  
"What, he your girlfriend?"  
"Nah, that'd be your mother," Bucky replied lightly.  
"Fuck you, man."  
"That's what she said."  
Steve almost smiled through his split lip and aching ribs. Bucky's nonchalance against...Steve wasn't even sure how many guys had jumped him. He wished he could look up and see Bucky take the thugs down, but it was all he could do to push himself upright when his attackers turned away from him to fight Bucky. There was an "Oof" as the first challenger must have taken a blow to the gut, smacks of skin against skin as Bucky punched his way through to Steve.  
It really was only a matter of a few minutes before he heard the bullies running and Bucky saying, "Yeah, and let this be a lesson to ya," then Bucky's hands were helping him up.  
"You, you got punched?" Steve managed as he took in Bucky's face.  
"Biggest one got a lucky shot. Jesus, Steve, what was it this time? They insulting little old ladies? Being sacralegious?"  
"Wa-- wasn't me. They jumped me for being queer."  
Bucky's mouth tightened into a thin line. "Guess it's good you ain't one. Let's get you home. Can you walk?"  
"I can manage."  
"Sure, pal. Come on."  
Steve took a few awkward steps. Somewhere in the scuffle he'd sprained his ankle and he had to lean on Bucky's arm more than either of them would have liked. The shock of Bucky's presence after a month was overwhelming and painful. How had he forgotten how commanding Bucky was? How he strode so purposefully even with a rapidly swelling cheek, half carrying a small, bleeding man. He felt light-headed and he was pretty sure that it wasn't from the punch to the face.  
Back in Steve's apartment Bucky moved with firm efficiency born of watching Sarah Rogers for years.   
"Take your shirt off, I want to look at your ribs," he said as he pulled the first aid kit out of the cabinet and poured alcohol on a cotton ball. "This is going to sting. Should probably get some ice from the corner--"  
"For your cheek too."  
"Worry about that later."   
"Bucky..."  
"Don't, Steve...I'll just get you patched up and go." Bucky dabbed alcohol on Steve's lip. Steve hissed at the pain. "Dammit, Steve. Someday I'm not going to be there and..."  
"I was praying!" Steve blurted.  
Bucky paused, "Good for you?"  
"Before they jumped me. I was coming to see you and stopped to pray. I asked God to give me a sign if...if he really didn't want us to be together. If he hated fairies like they say."  
Bucky looked away and sighed, "Guess he answered that, letting you get beat to shit for it is a pretty big sign."  
"Yeah," Steve sighed as he fumbled with his shirt buttons, "Guess it is."  
"Why were you coming to see me?"  
"What?" Steve looked up from where he was trying to peer at his own bruised ribs.  
"You said you were coming to see me. Why?"  
“Rebecca came by to see me.”  
Bucky shut his eyes and groaned, “She shoulda’ kept her trap shut.”  
“She’s worried about you.”  
He snorted, “Well, then she and mom are the only ones who are.”  
Steve looked at his feet, “I’m worried about ya’”  
“Why? Why would you be worried about me. Ya’ made it pretty clear that you didn’t particularly care if I lived or died.”  
“That’s not true! That’s not true at all! And you know it.”  
"I don't know what I know, Steve. All I know is that I'm tired. I'm going to bind your ribs--you sure nothin's broken? And go home. Especially since God's given you a SIGN. Glad he told you. Him and me aren't on the best of terms these days."  
"Yeah," Steve sighed, "Guess so. I was thinking I might become a priest. So, you know, I'd be...wouldn't be tempted."  
"Yeah..." Bucky looked down.  
I asked for a sign, Steve thought sadly. It's not like a roll of the dice where you can roll again. He'd asked God for a sign and God had sent thugs to kill him in an alley like the dirty sinner he was.  
Only he hadn't died, had he? Bucky had come along and rescued him because...  
And then Steve started to laugh.  
Bucky looked, in quick succession, shocked, horrified, and furious. "You think it's funny? I'm dying here and you think it's a big joke? I'm leaving Steve, your're on your own."  
"No, no! Bucky, wait. Don't you see? I didn't get beat to death in the alley!"  
"'Cause I came along."  
"Yes, yes! YOU, you're the sign."  
"What?"  
"God didn't want me to die. He wanted you to me to save me. We belong together. You save me, you always save me! Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm only seeing what I want to see, but, but, I don't think so. And, and...even if I'm going to hell, I don't care. I don't want to be in heaven or here on earth without you!"  
It seemed to take some time for Bucky to process what Steve had said. His always expressive face ran through a range of emotions finally settling on what Steve could only describe as joy. He gripped Steve by the shoulders, "Do you mean it? Do you really mean it?"  
"Yes, yes, YES!"  
Bucky kissed him furiously. "Oww, oww, the lip!"  
"Sorry, sorry. God, Stevie. I'm just so...you got no idea how bad the last month has been for me?"  
"I think I do. Missed you so much. Couldn't think, couldn't sleep."  
Bucky kissed him again, tenderly this time along the uninjured side of his face.   
"Do you still--do you still want to live together?" Steve whispered.  
Bucky pulled back to look at him. "Of course! Of course I do. Never wanted anything as much." Bucky looked away, "But you got...you gotta know something first, and you might not...might not like me so much.   
"I went out with some girls, some girls I knew would...you know, let me. And, and I wasn't so nice to them."  
Steve looked up at him, face scared, "Did you--? You didn't force 'em, did you? Or hurt 'em?"  
"No, no! Nothing like that. Just was a little rough, maybe. Used 'em like they were nothin' when I try not to ever do that. They're people, just maybe, a little damaged, that's all. I always took 'em dancing, bought 'em chocolates. Gave 'em a good time, not just...you know. But I didn't this time, just asked 'em out because I knew they were sure things. But I didn't force 'em."  
"I didn't think you'd do that, Bucky, but I had to make sure."  
"Yeah. Do you hate me now?"  
"Nah, could never hate ya'. I'm so sorry that I put you through that, Bucky. I shouldn't a hurt you like that. If I hadn't you wouldn't been hurting so much you weren't thinking right.  
"You could, you know, after you come live with me, take 'em out again. Treat 'em right. Kiss 'em on their cheek goodnight."  
Bucky gave a weak smile, "'Kay."   
Steve reached up and kissed him, ignoring the pain in his lip to kiss harder, to try and convey all that he was feeling. The kiss deepened. Bucky gave a tiny moan and pushed Steve back.  
"I promised Mom and Dad I'd be home for dinner, since I, well, been such a jerk for a month. But, I'll be back right after. I'll tell 'em that you finally agreed we should move in together to share the rent, throw some clothes in a bag and come right back. We can borrow my uncle's car and get the rest of my stuff tomorrow."  
He paused, "We can be together tonight, Stevie. Like we always talked about."  
Steve blushed and smiled. "Yeah. Go and come back soon."  
"I didn't bind your ribs."  
"S'okay. I'll be okay until you get back."  
Bucky gave him one more tender kiss and practically ran out the door.


End file.
